the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
