woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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