i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
