She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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