o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
