I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
