Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
