When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
