Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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