look no pants
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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