Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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