Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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