i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
