she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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