Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
