I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
