You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
