How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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