Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
