Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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