now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
