Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
