who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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