how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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