Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
