I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
