then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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