If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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