If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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