I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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