It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
