I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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