who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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