too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
