Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
