I need to stop coming to work sober
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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