My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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