dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
