Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
