I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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