You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
