Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
