my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
