My hair reeks of homosexuality.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
