I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
