I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
