i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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