I CAN MOONWALK!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
