I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
