someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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