I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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